Spring Dragon

Mostly this is all about school. Some of this has to do with personal stuff that is unsolvable but tugs at me. Everything right now is “monsters,” because the word is actually funny, and I think most problems or feelings of unease can have a comic aspect to them (it’s my coping mechanism, so if you don’t like it, you can lump it).

School-related Monsters

For A&P II, I have one exam (covering 3 chapters), 1 quiz, 3 labs, and the comprehensive final exam left.

Not much left to do, but I’m dragging anyway instead of sprinting to the finish like I want to, and I feel really lazy for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because I’m terrified of returning to school next year, terrified of taking the PCAT, and terrified of what it means to be in school, full-time next Fall.

I have a lab assignment due by tomorrow. Honestly, this week’s work was extremely difficult. It’s on Water, Electrolyte, and Acid-Base Balance, which I care about, but I, for some draggy reason, can’t get my head around it. I spent more than two hours reading what was essentially a really short chapter and taking a very short quiz on it. Now I’m working on the lab that goes with that chapter and it’s sort of a nightmare just trying to lift my dour mood about it. I feel confused about it, and no one likes feeling confused, of course. I have to re-amass all the resources, because some of my companion books simply don’t have anything about this topic in it (weirdly enough).

I have a quiz due May 4th on the Reproductive System, which isn’t bad, but I have to complete 2 labs for that chapter. The 3-chapter exam is due May 6th, which, in reality means that I have to get that quiz done this week, and that 3-chapter exam done this weekend, so I can finish the 2 labs and study for the comprehensive final exam (due May 13th but I’ll have to finish it by the 9th because of work, sigh) the way it’s meant to be studied for (well, the way I have to study for it because I haven’t been super disciplined).

Boring Monsters

There’s a little bit of stuff weighing on me (sigh, I wish I had blogosphere friends who would write supportive comments). I registered at the local community college as a full-time student for this fall, and I started panicking a little in the middle of it. I’m taking 3 science lab classes instead of 2 science lab classes and Public Speaking, because they only offer 1 course called “Public Speaking” and it interferes with my carefully planned science classes. Each science course requires a lecture, a lab, and a discussion. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I’ll be on campus from 11:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m., and 11:00 a.m. to 8:20 p.m. respectively. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I’ll be on campus from 11:00 a.m. to the middle of the afternoon because I decided to take Microbiology now so I can start heavy-duty studying for the PCAT sooner.

In my vague imaginings of what returning to school would be like, I forgot that lecture, labs, and discussions take up a crapload of time. Right now, without a lecture, lab, or discussion, I spend a lot of time on school (though some would argue that being on-campus in a physical setting, I might actually find that I would spend less since lecture, lab, and discussion would clue me in on the most important points of a chapter so I wouldn’t have to teach myself everything and I could use my time efficiently — fair point).

But I wonder if I’ll try to half my life into school and home. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend, who invests a lot of energy saying things that are lovely and supportive, intimated that he was bored that we never did anything (or that it felt like we never did anything). This wasn’t true; we do a lot of stuff and I try to plan things to do the best I can, only he works late and I have to de-stress from work and thinking about the future, and I have A&P to study for. I was upset, and felt bad for not being able to make him feel like we had a great thing. We made up, but I feel sad about it anyway. Obviously returning to school is going to make it worse. My schedule shows how really busy I’m going to be even when I’m not studying.

I guess the best realization I came up with is that there isn’t anything I can really do about it anyway, even though I’m the kind of person who wants to fix problems and find solutions. Because even if I quit the whole career change thing and didn’t return to school, he’s still not going to be happy with me, and I’m still not going to be able to be the exciting and fun pixie who can make everything FUN! and AWESOME! I’m still going to be me (except with a job that pays a lot less than I hoped I would be making after five years of working) trying to find a footing in the workforce without specialized skills in a precarious economy.

And I would still be no fun anyway.

So I’m sad. Maybe this is what’s at the core of feeling less enthusiastic and terrified. I’d rather risk losing my relationship and getting into pharmacy than losing my relationship and closing the door on pharmacy, because any way you look at it, it’s not the returning to school full-time that’s going to make the difference of whether we can hold this relationship together.

I’ve sort of resigned myself to being Jennifer Aniston anyway. But what can a girl like me honestly do other than secure my future and pursue my interests in a selfish way? People are notoriously unreliable and fickle. I loathe the idea of losing my best friend and partner, but let’s face it: I’m 29, I’ve been floundering in my career, I’m stuck, I’m fairly certain I don’t want children, and even getting married isn’t going ensure that things will happen the way I dream them to.

My gut knows that I’m in for a big disappointment if I rely on my relationship or if I even try to direct my relationship. I don’t mean to be lazy, but I’ve found, over the years, that it’s impossible to have expectations for how a romantic partner should feel and what they should do.

All the same, it’s terribly lonely, and I’m hoping that I can develop the strength to deal with things I can’t control.

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