Closer and closer

This summer has been fun. I have one more week of work left and a few more weeks until school starts. So far, I’ve managed to handle some of the complicated things: financial aid, giving notice at work, preparing to discuss COBRA dental, figuring out how to get health insurance, determining my schedule so I can work a few hours, and learning about pharmacy specializations.

The most important things to totally sort out now are health insurance and money.

Health insurance

My college does not offer any. It requires I have it, but does not offer any. There’s a school further away not in MD that offers it to all students, regardless of how many credits you’re taking, so I’m signing up for that. I went down to the school to apply for admission (it’s open admission anyway) and they said they would process my application. I’m supposed to register for courses in mid-August, and I guess at that point I can sign up for health insurance, which hopefully kicks in the first of September. COBRA costs $700 a month. I can’t afford that. Private insurance won’t cover prescription benefits unless I exhaust COBRA. I’m getting the dental aspect of COBRA because I know what happened after not getting regular checkups and cleanings for 8 years.

Luckily, the school that offers insurance offers a Public Speaking class on Saturdays and my college doesn’t. So it’s all okay and helps me get done faster.

Money

I saved up money from my paychecks (and moved to a state with a community college) so I could spend it on cheaper tuition. I’m also taking out a loan so I can keep what I have liquid in case something starts falling apart (health, emergencies of any other kind, whatever).

I have a panicked jolt coming through me every now and again where I’m like, Oh my god, I can’t leave my job. But it’s not like I can make peace with what I’m doing for a living right now. It’s not what I wanted. I didn’t get what I want because what I wanted was based on depictions on television and books, and influences from people who aren’t me. And a fair amount of fantasy, too.

The fantasy part is really bothersome to me, actually. I have a gift for being totally ridiculous in dreaming up what I think I want, and none of it is based in any modeled reality (I was a lonely kid). I sometimes really pine for the lovely ideas I think up about what I wish my life were like, as though that kind of life really exists. Maybe it does. It hasn’t come my way and, after a fair amount of research and broken expectations, it’s not something you can create for yourself anyway.

I can only do the best I can with what I have, and what I have is me. Just me. And I’m almost 30. And it’s time to start getting real or else I’ll have slept my life away.

But not having money flowing into my bank account on a biweekly basis makes me feel empty and lost and poor. How did I get here? What am I doing? are frequent thoughts I have to shoo away. Though the worst one is Everyone must think I’m an idiot. I’m nearly 30. I don’t even know what that means when I have no kids and no husband. And this job I have isn’t really going to get me a condo and a car. I’m barely making it anyway, so what’s the difference? I’m not currently getting anywhere.

I’m applying to part-time jobs. I moved my chemistry class to the evening.  Most of the listings I see want someone for 30 hours. Mmmmmkay. I can maybe work that in on the weekends in addition to the week, but I think I’ll have a lot of studying to do. Additionally, I have to study for the PCAT. I don’t qualify for student jobs because I already have a bachelor’s degree (and master’s degree). However, money coming in is important. Extremely important. I’m sort of all alone and can’t ask more of anybody than I already have.
I don’t know if I’ll end up making it to pharmacy school. I may end up buckling down with an MPH or something similar.

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