Final final tomorrow

This hasn’t been a slam dunk semester. I took my Chem 102 final exam this morning. I did that stupid thing where I stayed up all night long (rested for an hour), but it was okay. I couldn’t think of the symbol for mercury (Hg), and that’s embarrassing.

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The Yuckness

I’ve been feeling very anxious lately about all the stuff that’s upcoming: standardized exams, quizzes, finals, etc.  My eyelid started twitching, and I can’t seem to will it to stop. I started having some panic attacks, even on days where there weren’t exams.

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Springtime in Chem II

Chem 102 has not been good to me recently. After doing poorly on an exam, I wanted to establish “control” over my performance, so I studied all night (I know, I know, I told myself no more all-nighters and broke the rule again) and then went to bed from 5am-7:15am, and got up and went back to my desk to take a look at the final type of problem.

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Told you so

I knew I’d done badly on my second Chem exam.  I won’t say how badly. It was really sad. I made a number of stupid errors and could have fared better if I hadn’t overthought some things and managed my time on the exam better.

I’m trying not to get spooked, I’m trying not to waste energy by attempting to figure out if the professor is judging me or by trying to figure her out (I don’t know why I’m like this about people or why I’m so needy for people to like me).

I dreaded going to school yesterday. I’m starting to feel a little overwhelmed by all the work I will have to do until the end of the semester. I have to study for the ACS exam and for the PCAT–both are amazingly important. And Chemistry is also important (meaning doing really well on her exams).

This sad, unfortunate exam will get dropped. I don’t want to feel like buffers are my enemy. I want to master it all.

Which, of course, takes work and I have to dedicate myself to it.

I have to finish studying for my Bio quiz on the plant life cycle today.

Well, gah!

Well, now I just feel bummed and unmotivated  for studying for Part 2 of the Chem exam because of this morning’s exam.  Jeez,  Priya, have some resilience.  You were tired and anxious and worried.

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Bad (idea) study habits

I can’t remember if I’ve written about my bad habits before, but I certainly haven’t improved. Part 1 of my second big Chem Exam of the semester was this morning (conceptual stuff on acids and bases and aqueous ionic solutions), and I did what I always so the night before the exam. I stay up all night and get frazzled.

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Blah-iology Lab Exam 1

So far this week, I’ve had a quiz for Chemistry lab and an exam in Biology Lab. I have a quiz for Chemistry lecture tomorrow morning.

My Bio Lab Exam was blah. I actually went to bed at 3 am early this morning and semi-slept/rested until 8:30-ish a.m. I made flashcards online, practiced them, and added to reference note sheets.

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Lagging

I ended up with an 85.5 on my first Chemistry exam. I now have to study for my Chem Lab Quiz on Monday, Biology Lab exam which will take place Tuesday. and a Chemistry Quiz on Wednesday.

I started studying for the Bio Lab exam, but I’m vague about what I need to know. So I started on my Chem homework now. I was confused with the last Chem Lab we did, so I think I probably need to go in to the tutoring center early Monday and redo it.

Taking a tumble

Some days, I suffer from anxiety. There’s a voice in my head that reminds me that I am 30, that I am a part-time student at a community college (even though I strongly believe in the value of our local community college), and that I wasted my college years and my parents’ money because I was too lazy and sheltered to grow up. I interviewed for jobs only at fancy consulting firms and offices where all the young women dressed beautifully and seemed so smart, so much better than most other women. I tried to forget that I was raised middle class, that we only lived in the town we did because it was literally the edge of being included in the state’s best school district, and that the American meritocracy doesn’t exist. Many of my peers got jobs at fancy places because their parents got them the jobs. My parents pleaded with me to figure out what I wanted to do, and I backed away and they dropped the issue.

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Annoyed

When you take college chemistry at my school, you’re required to take a discussion course. My professor grades us during discussion for working on a problem set (1 worksheet) together as a group. I usually work with people who seem alive and alert and aware. This week, she assigned us groups. I dealt with two students who didn’t know how to do extremely basic algebra, and one student who seemed scared and lost. I was beyond annoyed. I snapped at them. She’d literally just given a lecture a little more than an hour ago and spoon-fed us the problem solving techniques. It’s basic algebra. I’m not helping people who have nothing to offer me.

Which is mean and unkind, and I wish I had more patience. I don’t know if I do or if it’s weird that I don’t. I’ll have to ask.

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