Planning, Scheming, Plotting

I keeping wondering what exactly went wrong last semester. I suppose it’s useless. I thought my OChem prof was disorganized and he made too many mistakes for me to feel comfortable.

And that was all there was to that.

This semester, I hope will be different. I’m taking all my classes at the Ji campus. I’m feeling slightly nervous. My Mondays and Tuesday will be hectic. It will get less hectic as the week goes on.

I’m preparing by studying OChem through the David Klein book. I’ve ordered Le Pens (tiny 0.3mm colored pens that I hope will be good for notetaking and drawing). I need to clean up my desktop.  I need to clean my backpack. Tomorrow I volunteer (and I have to figure out what’s a good new day to volunteer).

I need to finish listening to Scott Young’s videos, too. There’s quite a lot to do.

Change is good.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need a change so what happened this semester won’t happen next semester.

I signed up for a “How to Study” course online (not through a school, but through Scott H. Young) and I hope it will help. He has worksheets and video modules accompanying an eBook. I’m not too sure about this, but I just blew $67 on it so I’m going to give it my best go.

I may need to create a second blog to explore my fears and figure out how to develop resilience. I really need to be more resilient. I hope I can figure out how.

Nine Lives

I think Organic Chem is over for the semester. We have an exam today, and I realized that my approach to the material is very far from my professor’s approach to the material, and the twain won’t meet.

He’s a young guy. He’s very nice. He doesn’t write very well on the board, like in a way that lets you copy what he’s writing. I could get past that if he stuck to using the expensive textbook. But he doesn’t. I’m not an aural learner. I have to read and see to learn. I find myself surfing the internet looking for lecture notes from other universities on to when his notes don’t match the book’s content.

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Hitting the Reset

I took the PCAT yesterday, after a sleepless night. It’s been a really rough week. When I get nervous, I can’t eat. I had planned to drink a meal replacement. I had planned to talk myself into getting into bed.  I tried, and found I was too rattled to sleep. And my hunger pains were ripping my stomach.

I found myself desperately wishing I had had more time to study. It seemed crazy to only spend five weeks studying for it. I found this helpful stuff on the PCAT website at the last minute (because I’d been avoiding SDN—the bitchiest boyzone forum that is occasionally helpful that I’ve personally ever encountered).

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The Yuckness

I’ve been feeling very anxious lately about all the stuff that’s upcoming: standardized exams, quizzes, finals, etc.  My eyelid started twitching, and I can’t seem to will it to stop. I started having some panic attacks, even on days where there weren’t exams.

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Springtime in Chem II

Chem 102 has not been good to me recently. After doing poorly on an exam, I wanted to establish “control” over my performance, so I studied all night (I know, I know, I told myself no more all-nighters and broke the rule again) and then went to bed from 5am-7:15am, and got up and went back to my desk to take a look at the final type of problem.

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Told you so

I knew I’d done badly on my second Chem exam.  I won’t say how badly. It was really sad. I made a number of stupid errors and could have fared better if I hadn’t overthought some things and managed my time on the exam better.

I’m trying not to get spooked, I’m trying not to waste energy by attempting to figure out if the professor is judging me or by trying to figure her out (I don’t know why I’m like this about people or why I’m so needy for people to like me).

I dreaded going to school yesterday. I’m starting to feel a little overwhelmed by all the work I will have to do until the end of the semester. I have to study for the ACS exam and for the PCAT–both are amazingly important. And Chemistry is also important (meaning doing really well on her exams).

This sad, unfortunate exam will get dropped. I don’t want to feel like buffers are my enemy. I want to master it all.

Which, of course, takes work and I have to dedicate myself to it.

I have to finish studying for my Bio quiz on the plant life cycle today.

Bad (idea) study habits

I can’t remember if I’ve written about my bad habits before, but I certainly haven’t improved. Part 1 of my second big Chem Exam of the semester was this morning (conceptual stuff on acids and bases and aqueous ionic solutions), and I did what I always so the night before the exam. I stay up all night and get frazzled.

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Lagging

I ended up with an 85.5 on my first Chemistry exam. I now have to study for my Chem Lab Quiz on Monday, Biology Lab exam which will take place Tuesday. and a Chemistry Quiz on Wednesday.

I started studying for the Bio Lab exam, but I’m vague about what I need to know. So I started on my Chem homework now. I was confused with the last Chem Lab we did, so I think I probably need to go in to the tutoring center early Monday and redo it.

Taking a tumble

Some days, I suffer from anxiety. There’s a voice in my head that reminds me that I am 30, that I am a part-time student at a community college (even though I strongly believe in the value of our local community college), and that I wasted my college years and my parents’ money because I was too lazy and sheltered to grow up. I interviewed for jobs only at fancy consulting firms and offices where all the young women dressed beautifully and seemed so smart, so much better than most other women. I tried to forget that I was raised middle class, that we only lived in the town we did because it was literally the edge of being included in the state’s best school district, and that the American meritocracy doesn’t exist. Many of my peers got jobs at fancy places because their parents got them the jobs. My parents pleaded with me to figure out what I wanted to do, and I backed away and they dropped the issue.

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