Is it me? (Yup.)

I never intended to make this blog a confessional. I do like to track when I screw up and how I can improve myself, but I think what I’m about to say comes more from a place that feels guilty.

So last week, I busted my hump over Exam I in Organic Chem. I got an 88% (my lab partner got a near perfect score, which I am jealous of (and I vow to be a better student than her)). I dropped Physics recently.

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No time to panic

The PCAT is Wednesday, July 27th.

I’m freaking out a little, when there is no need. I’ll do the best I can. I’ve been studying. I’m trying to get a Romanian gymnast’s level of concentration going. I’m wearing the outfit I’ll wear to the test center.

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Told you so

I knew I’d done badly on my second Chem exam.  I won’t say how badly. It was really sad. I made a number of stupid errors and could have fared better if I hadn’t overthought some things and managed my time on the exam better.

I’m trying not to get spooked, I’m trying not to waste energy by attempting to figure out if the professor is judging me or by trying to figure her out (I don’t know why I’m like this about people or why I’m so needy for people to like me).

I dreaded going to school yesterday. I’m starting to feel a little overwhelmed by all the work I will have to do until the end of the semester. I have to study for the ACS exam and for the PCAT–both are amazingly important. And Chemistry is also important (meaning doing really well on her exams).

This sad, unfortunate exam will get dropped. I don’t want to feel like buffers are my enemy. I want to master it all.

Which, of course, takes work and I have to dedicate myself to it.

I have to finish studying for my Bio quiz on the plant life cycle today.

Well, gah!

Well, now I just feel bummed and unmotivated  for studying for Part 2 of the Chem exam because of this morning’s exam.  Jeez,  Priya, have some resilience.  You were tired and anxious and worried.

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Weekly quizzes

I took my first Chemistry quiz. I stayed up all night because I wanted to get a 100% and make a great impression on my professor. I may or may not have gotten mostly everything right (or worth partial credit), except I know for sure that I misread an exponent as I tried to work quickly.  I thought she was trying to trick us, so I gleefully answered it. I couldn’t see the clock, so I just worked faster after one person handed in their quiz.

I don’t know why I’m so darn slow while I’m taking a quiz. I think it’s probably because I’m trying to think and not be scared. It takes me twice as much energy to focus and calm myself down. I always want that feeling of mastery and confidence but I never get it. I just end up feeling lucky. I hope I get at least 7 points out of this somehow. It sucks. I wanted it to be perfect. It sucks that I have to continue to worry about the mistakes I make because I make mistakes. I feel better that the smart pre-pharm Cal grad also might have  messed up.

I just want to eat lunch and take a long nap. I haven’t been interested in sleeping much lately. Part of me feels like I don’t deserve to sleep or that sleeping is boring. It’s really weird. I don’t get why I’m like this. It’s so ridiculous. God, Priya, chill out already and stop thinking about how you feel or what you’re worried about. Christ Almighty.

Step 2

Well, Step 1 was easy. Finish Bio, A&P, register to be a full-time student at the brick and mortar community college in town, save money to fund full-time status at community college next year. Okay, it wasn’t easy. I had to convince them that I am an in-state, in-county resident, and had to haul over to the campus in the middle of the day before their admissions and registration office closed down. I’m still awaiting a financial aid package. I’m still trying to come to terms with the idea of leaving my job to attend community college.

The school I’m going to be attending is very tiny. It actually is the largest community college in the state and serves, apparently, some 30,000 students. You couldn’t tell by looking at it, though. It looks like it might have been a really fancy prep school at one point. Now it’s slightly dilapidated. The Computer Science building has a banner over the entryway that proclaims it as the “School of Education,” which is sort of sad because I thought there were very few teaching jobs available and a high demand for IT people. It’s the teachers that are getting laid off all over the place. Maybe it’s a temporary banner.

The science building (there are two, plus one is getting constructed at the cost of some fifty million dollars) on the inside looks like…I was going to say inner-city high school, but it’s actually like the one we had in junior high. It has a stuffed wolf. It’s connected to a greenhouse, where some plants are thriving and others are corpses pressed against the glass walls.

Over the weekend, I went back and did an informal tour through the buildings. I saw the aforementioned science buildings, the cafeteria (there are three microwaves and I suspect they must get mighty dirty), the gym (I’d take a yoga class, but I don’t really want to get graded for it or take tests on what pose means what), and the parking lot. I failed to locate the library. I hope they have one.

I worry that I’m not going to be able to feel at home there. I worry that if I resist feeling at home there, I won’t do very well. I worry I’ll drop out because it doesn’t feel like my pretty West Coast ideal and the stigma of attending a community college is too ingrained in me.

Actually, I have a hankering to leave the East Coast and go here. I would love to make that happen, but it would be a huge waste of money.

Dear Wisemind

I just wrote four paragraphs of deep stuff (or stuff that could be interpreted as deep but misrepresents my current emotional state). Then I erased it. I don’t want to navel gaze about my life situation because it doesn’t help. I tend think about everything all wrong, in a romantic "poor me" way that is totally nonproductive way.

The facts: I’ve moved to Rockville, MD. This is good because then I can apply to UMD when the time comes.

I’m keeping the channels clear for A&P II, which begins on Jan. 19.